@catstronomical

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

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@stephenjmolloy

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

@TheToddWilliams

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

@PhilJamesson

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, “There! Now it’s clean.”

@pixelatedboat

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

@envydatropic

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

@INDlAN_

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

@hazelmotes1

Hot Pringles in your area want you to jam your whole fist in their cans.

@jtswhipped

I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said “Classy” and my brain leaked out of my ear.