*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
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Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
The honesty is refreshing
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”