*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

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Listen mate, the only rapture I’m interested in was sung by Debbie Harry


Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill


I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to make new friends. I say to myself in my pajama pants, in my house all day, with my ringer off.


As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.


Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…


A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.


[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]

“And if you look over here you’ll see a lot more really old shit.”


I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.