Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.
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I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
4-year-old: what do you want ?
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!