Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.

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Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous


I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.


Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears


Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.


All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.


can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious


If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister


[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!