@LittleMissAngr1

Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.

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@LittleMissZesty

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

@doulbedoink

I think I’ve laughed out loud at this interaction like 3 times today

@paulbarbar_II

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

@beefman138

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

@HatfieldAnne

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

@Skullcat

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

@nbadag

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

@ADHDeanASL

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

@Death_Buddy

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*