My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
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Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
what?
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I’m listening
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.