Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.

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I’m a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them


Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.


ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?


Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?


netflix has the worst movie selection no wonder everyone just starts having sex


A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.


I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.


If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.