Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.

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So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!


I think I’ve laughed out loud at this interaction like 3 times today


Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.


What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.


Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*


I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.


[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL


A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief


“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*