– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

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Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.


A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair


WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them


Why look something up on Google when you can ask the question on Facebook and let everyone know you’re an idiot?


Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it


Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?


It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.


Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo


I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.