– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
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if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face