@behindyourback

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

@SteussieErica

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

@Birdhumms

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

@rmfnord

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

@peteholmez

“Hello, Time Warner? I need to speak with someone about setting up local Gotham cable in a secret prison. Yes, I’ll hold.” – Bane

@karanbirtinna

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

@VerbsRProudest

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

@IfTonyTweeted

If the hackers that stole all those Yahoo passwords could tell me what mine is I’d appreciate it. I’ve been locked out for about 4 years now

@HomeWithPeanut

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.