@behindyourback

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

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@Tbone7219

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

@TlaxBoy05

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

@LeBearGirdle

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

@ArfMeasures

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

@Jennuflect

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

@smithsara79

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

@GingerAtLaw

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

@lazerdoov

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

@theshantilly

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman