[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
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Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
“Hello, Time Warner? I need to speak with someone about setting up local Gotham cable in a secret prison. Yes, I’ll hold.” – Bane
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
If the hackers that stole all those Yahoo passwords could tell me what mine is I’d appreciate it. I’ve been locked out for about 4 years now
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.