*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
You Might Also Like
2007: OBAMA’S COMIN’ FER YER GUNS
2010: any day
2012: ok now
2013: i think..
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Very relieved towels can’t get pregnant.
[I uppercut a news guy in his stupid face on live television]
Me: say it
Anchor: t-t-tune in tomorrow for more hard hitting journalism
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”