@Shenanigans_luv

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

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@Reverend_Scott

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

@prufrockluvsong

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

@g0_f1sh

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

@Marlebean

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

@ipalatsky

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

@ScottLinnen

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

@Sarcasticsapien

I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.

@5hael

Once you go black, you can always go back to having coffee with milk, there’s really no set in stone rules here.

@bourgeoisalien

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.