*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
You Might Also Like
What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??
[first day as a doctor]
me: u have breaked both your legs
patient: damn! so now?
me: we will be putting ur legs in a bowl of rice
Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist
I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.
[Julius Caesar being murdered]
“Just please don’t name a salad after me.”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Wife. “Did you cut the grass?”
Wife. “But it doesn’t look any different!”
Me. “I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*