*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
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there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
new record!
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.