*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

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What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??


[first day as a doctor]

me: u have breaked both your legs

patient: damn! so now?

me: we will be putting ur legs in a bowl of rice


Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist


I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.


[Julius Caesar being murdered]

“Just please don’t name a salad after me.”


Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it


I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.


Wife. “Did you cut the grass?”

Me. “Yep”

Wife. “But it doesn’t look any different!”

Me. “I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out”


*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*