*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

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October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.


[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd


A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa


Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”


ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.


If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.


I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.


Once you go black, you can always go back to having coffee with milk, there’s really no set in stone rules here.


Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.