[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
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Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”