@GrantTanaka

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

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@qwertying

Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist?

Dad: No dear they’re people wearing lots of makeup.

Daughter: Oh like mommy?

Dad: Close enough.

@Browtweaten

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

@AristotlesNZ

Nothing solves all of life’s biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.

@c12h22o11balls

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

@bobblegagger

turbotax: do you have any dependents?

me: the entire coffee industry

@welfarehoe

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

@HomeWithPeanut

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

@pickupIines

do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydropower because dam

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

@BigFatNothing

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you