[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
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[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again