*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
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Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
How it started: How it’s going:
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.