“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
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roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Damn Shakira is doing Activia commercials too now. With all that belly dancing, you’d think she’d be able to shit. Who knew.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.