@iamhorcrux

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

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@AngryRaccoon2

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

@evan_breen

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

@StrawburyDelite

Damn Shakira is doing Activia commercials too now. With all that belly dancing, you’d think she’d be able to shit. Who knew.

@MatCro

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

@iGreenMonk

I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.

@davidstassen

My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.

@CarpeAngela

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

@junejuly12

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.