I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great
You Might Also Like
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I just saw 125 spf sunblock. Maybe going outside isn’t for everyone.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Jesus take the wheel
~ Mexicans stripping a car
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: that could what Charles
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.