my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
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Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.