@chinchillasaur

[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great

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@Dorkstar

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

@Cali_Kid_Mike

I just saw 125 spf sunblock. Maybe going outside isn’t for everyone.

@Breadery

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

@RevHughGRection

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

@Love_bug1016

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

@Parkerlawyer

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”