GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
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Her: How do you feel about legalizing marijuana?
Me: I’m ambidextrous about it.
Her: Um, I think you meant to use a different word.
Me: [a joint in each hand] Oh, how embarrassing.
[dont let him know you’re a sponge]
Waitress: *spills drink on table*
GERONIMO *bellyflops on table* SPRAY SOME CLEANER I GOT THIS oh damn
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I’m going to confess my love to this sore throat so it’ll be gone when I wake up in the morning.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.