@jwoodham

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

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@UnFitz

Her: How do you feel about legalizing marijuana?

Me: I’m ambidextrous about it.

Her: Um, I think you meant to use a different word.

Me: [a joint in each hand] Oh, how embarrassing.

@JediGigi

[dont let him know you’re a sponge]

Waitress: *spills drink on table*

GERONIMO *bellyflops on table* SPRAY SOME CLEANER I GOT THIS oh damn

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

@TheToddWilliams

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

@SamuelHLowe

I’m going to confess my love to this sore throat so it’ll be gone when I wake up in the morning.

@squirrel74wkgn

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

@RodLacroix

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.