Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JasonLastname

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

@PersianCeltic

Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.

@ruinedpicnic

“Well boy,” I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, “naming you E.T. clearly wasn’t enough.”

@SortaBadass

Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper

@BruceForce

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

@Cheeseboy22

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

@WheelTod

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

@MavenofHonor

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

@shawnspree

I always carry a small bottle of Tabasco when I fly. You never know when you’re going to crash in the Alps & have to live by eating people.

@iGreenMonk

Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide.

Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.