Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy