*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
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*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
They also CAN sing✌️
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more