Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying]
“he must’ve meant a lot to her.”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
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Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I’m on the toilet
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
It came from my waffles.
“What?” I ask, furtively.
“You look really nice today.”
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.