*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

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Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying]

“he must’ve meant a lot to her.”


Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I’m on the toilet


With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull


Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*


Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough


recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left



It came from my waffles.

“PSST,” again.

“What?” I ask, furtively.

“You look really nice today.”

Complimentary Breakfast


Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.


I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.


I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.