Grammar Tip: When the zombie apocalypse starts I will be using people who write ‘would of’ instead of ‘would have’ as human shields.

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People think the word “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters.

But those letters are not silent.

They’re just waiting for their turn.


I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.


I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich


[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”


me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably


donut holes but for onion rings. onion holes and if you steal this idea just know you are taking food out of my family’s mouth


Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front


My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.


The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.