@BendyBacon

Grammar Tip: When the zombie apocalypse starts I will be using people who write ‘would of’ instead of ‘would have’ as human shields.

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@LMHPhotog

People think the word “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters.

But those letters are not silent.

They’re just waiting for their turn.

@juliussharpe

I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.

@dumbbeezie

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

@Fred_Delicious

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

@LlamaInaTux

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

@robottomulatto

donut holes but for onion rings. onion holes and if you steal this idea just know you are taking food out of my family’s mouth

@BigJDubz

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

@paigeofmylife2

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

@Rollinintheseat

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.