Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
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When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Print is alive and well!!!
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
#oldknees
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail