Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
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God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.