@AllanCresswell

Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are.

Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep.

Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are.

Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep.

- @AllanCresswell

You Might Also Like

@flashember

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

@littlekitnerboy

I don’t know what to do with my arms when I’m running, should I fold them?

@Awk0Tacoo

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

@MissBamantha

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

@dshack8

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

@JT_IV_

Keep your friend’s toast, but keep your enemy’s toaster.

@Prero22

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

@Ahhmandah

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

@MollyERA

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*