[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
*mops up wine with cat*
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.