[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
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[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
😏😏😏
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?