Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
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[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Storm Tropical Storm
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.