[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
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A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Customer is always right
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.