grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
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Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?