Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
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[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.