Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
BaD BoY!!
I’d … I’d rather not.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss