@maebemarbles

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

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@dad_on_my_feet

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

@AndyAsAdjective

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

@Playing_Dad

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

@tchrquotes

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

@livlivme_do

The lord giveth, and the lord slappeth that shit right out of your hands.

@javeigh

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

@AnniemuMary

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

@JayElem00

I’m just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.

@RickAaron

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.