*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*

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I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.


[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*


[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit


Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.


The lord giveth, and the lord slappeth that shit right out of your hands.


Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?


Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?


I’m just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.


I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.