*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
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I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip