*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
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As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
so much to do
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.