Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
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My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy