@Mr_Kapowski

Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer is my favorite song about how to incorrectly deal with the loss of a loved one during the holiday

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@daemonic3

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

@sarcasm_inc

*at a loud house party*
Is this your- I SAID IS THIS YOUR HOUSE? I NOTICED THE DOG BOWL. WHERE IS HE OR SHE, I’D LIKE TO PET HIM OR HER

@stacywawa1

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

@TheHyyyype

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

@WheelTod

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

@joeljeffrey

I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down… and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.

@KentWGraham

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

@citizenkawala

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

@dulcetry

Rapture’s tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus.

Two words: DUCK HUNT