@Mr_Kapowski

Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer is my favorite song about how to incorrectly deal with the loss of a loved one during the holiday

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@Rachelnoise

My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can’t get laid.

@AlanFelyk

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

@mydmac

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

@BuckyIsotope

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

@adrienneMTK

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

@KentWGraham

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

@justokdane

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

@ValeeGrrl

Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.

@Gaby_Moss

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

@sixfootcandy

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*