grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
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Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.