ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
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280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
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“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.