Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

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ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh


A polar bear can swim up to 160 km without resting

I need a break between putting on one sock and the other



Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.


280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:


I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.


I watch murder shows instead of romantic comedies because I prefer to watch shows about things that actually have the possibility of happening for me.


“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.


Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*


My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.


If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.