Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Leaving the Barbers like
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.