*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
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I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I finally found a reason to live again.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag