Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
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*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.