Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean


*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*


Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*


Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Donโ€™t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.


I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.


I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.


Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.


Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.


It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.