Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
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I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
so, is there a mister shapen head
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good