Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
You Might Also Like
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
it must be school picture day
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.