grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
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[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep