@GrantTanaka

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

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@onion_an

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

@buy_2_hams

*Evanescence*
(Buy two hams!)
Buy two hams right now!
(I need two hams!)
I need two sopping hams
(SAAAAVE ME)

@SteveKoehler22

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

@bourgeoisalien

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

@geowizzacist

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

@GrantTanaka

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

@doguacate

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

@SinCityChiGirl

If you’ve already died hard, how can you die harder, with a vengeance, live free and die hard again and then find a good day to die hard?

@Andrea__B__

I’m always just a bit disappointed when a liars pants don’t actually catch on fire.