Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
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Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Venn
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP