@ashlar36

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

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@Skoogeth

[inventing the squirrel]

angel: rodent features and a bushy tail. anything else?

god: make em sneaky poopers

angel: wut?

god: when they poop. make sure like no one ever sees it.

@CourtneyBale

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

@JesKeepSwimming

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

@ForEllieSylvia

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

@AndyAsAdjective

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

@MrJeberling

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

@itweetmaya

If Obama wins I’m leaving the country. If Romney wins I’m leaving the country.

This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

@stevevsninjas

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

@GrantTanaka

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same