Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
You Might Also Like
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Not all heroes wear capes…
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”