[inventing the squirrel]
angel: rodent features and a bushy tail. anything else?
god: make em sneaky poopers
god: when they poop. make sure like no one ever sees it.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
If Obama wins I’m leaving the country. If Romney wins I’m leaving the country.
This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same