@ShortSleeveSuit
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
@Amusitr0n
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
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@ShortSleeveSuit
@ThugRaccoons
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
@Swain_Train47
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
@jesus
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
@BoomBoomBetty
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
@causticbob
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
@fro_vo
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
@crunchenhancer
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
@LnL245
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
@Michael1979
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day