@roxiqt
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
@Amusitr0n
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
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@roxiqt
@PaperWash
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
@KattsDogma
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
@melgabored
BIDEN
(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.OBAMA
Joe, I’m a little busy.BIDEN
I love you.
@stephaniemain2
Flirting
@shivillex
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
@Nonnie_Linda
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
@david8hughes
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
@HomeWithPeanut
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
@PeteOtway
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.