@Amusitr0n

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

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@ShortSleeveSuit

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

@ThugRaccoons

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

@Swain_Train47

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

@BoomBoomBetty

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

@causticbob

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

@fro_vo

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

@crunchenhancer

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

@LnL245

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

@Michael1979

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day