@TheWoodenslurpy
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
@Amusitr0n
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
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@TheWoodenslurpy
@AmericanGent69
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
@just1fool
If you’re looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I’m pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.
@mjkspeaks
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
@djdarrellripley
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
@ArfMeasures
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
@_steamy_mac
I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.
@dafloydsta
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
@ruinedpicnic
Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad!
Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn’t say that!