@Amusitr0n

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

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@roxiqt

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

@PaperWash

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

@KattsDogma

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

@melgabored

BIDEN
(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.

OBAMA
Joe, I’m a little busy.

BIDEN
I love you.

@shivillex

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

@Nonnie_Linda

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

@david8hughes

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

@HomeWithPeanut

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

@PeteOtway

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.