@Amusitr0n

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

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@TheWoodenslurpy

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

@AmericanGent69

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

@just1fool

If you’re looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I’m pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.

@mjkspeaks

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

@ArfMeasures

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

@_steamy_mac

I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.

@dafloydsta

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

@ruinedpicnic

Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad!
Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn’t say that!