grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
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Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Yes, this is exactly right
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?