DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
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*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.
Joe, I’m a little busy.
I love you.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
took too long to spell doubt
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.