In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
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Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
If you’re looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I’m pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Me: Will you marry me?
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad!
Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn’t say that!