grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
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They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
lmao