Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
You Might Also Like
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I hope they boil the right one.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.