@copymama

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

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@robfee

I don’t want a Hot Pocket. I’d rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.

@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

@HiddleDeeDee

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

@LoveNLunchmeat

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

@racheleklein

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

@a_simpl_man

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

@imagine_vegas

If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too