@copymama

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

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@BigBec43

*does something weird*

*looks around for witnesses*

*sees no one*

*does something weird, LOUDER*

@lovejulieacafe

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

@DanDoofus

Everyone complains about the weather but no one ever wants to sacrifice a virgin about it.

@GrantTanaka

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

@eileencurtright

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

@UncleDuke1969

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

@BreadFoster

I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.

@dril

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s