Steal your neighbors’ garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men’s rooms.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
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I don’t remember 6th grade science being this hard.
But then again, in 6th grade, I wasn’t trying to do homework after 3 glasses of wine.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
[Terrorist tears open undercover FBI agent’s jacket]
Terrorist: hey guys this dude is a Female Body Inspector
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
INTERVIEWER: “How would you describe yourself?”
ME: “Verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance.”
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.