@copymama

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

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@KenJennings

Steal your neighbors’ garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men’s rooms.

@Parkerlawyer

I don’t remember 6th grade science being this hard.

But then again, in 6th grade, I wasn’t trying to do homework after 3 glasses of wine.

@Arbitral

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

@ruinedpicnic

[Terrorist tears open undercover FBI agent’s jacket]
Terrorist: FBI?
Agent: uhhh
Terrorist: hey guys this dude is a Female Body Inspector

@PwrFulWmn

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

@rolldiggity

INTERVIEWER: “How would you describe yourself?”
ME: “Verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance.”

@humanaaron

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

@Angibangie

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table