Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
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During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I hope they boil the right one.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
the Monday after daylight savings
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
“I FIXED IT!”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking