[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
You Might Also Like
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.