[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
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robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
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Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”