Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
You Might Also Like
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.