@Brianhopecomedy

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

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@ChillGates69

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

@HomeProbably

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

I just heard a dad at the gas station talk to his kid in a creepy Emperor Palpatine voice. At least MY dad just yelled like a normal psycho.

@RodLacroix

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

@ericsshadow

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

@ThaJawn

(playing Monopoly)

Hour 1: Why don’t we play this more?

Hour 16: *holding bloody napkins to nose* Does it look broken?

@CulturedRuffian

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

@Dr_awfulpants

[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’