Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

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[a dolphin kisses me at sea world]
ME: so like what are we


Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
“Wake up!”
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”


I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.


My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.


People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.


I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much


Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate


[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”


“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey