like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
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Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I just heard a dad at the gas station talk to his kid in a creepy Emperor Palpatine voice. At least MY dad just yelled like a normal psycho.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Hour 1: Why don’t we play this more?
Hour 16: *holding bloody napkins to nose* Does it look broken?
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament