GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself

ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die

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[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*


ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”


Me in Heaven: damn this place nice as hell!!!

Angels: nice as what?


me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come

other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore


I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day


wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-


You had me at, “we’ll make it look like an accident.”


VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year


“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms


On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.