MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
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my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…