GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself

ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die

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Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way


Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library


Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.


Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?


*unexpected snow fall*

Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”

Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket”


*Calling Chinese Restaurant*

CR: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, I just ordered $40 of food for delivery?”

CR: “Yes, is there something wrong with your order?”

Me: “Well, no, but you gave me two sets of chopsticks for some reason…”


As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.


me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it