@Home_Halfway

GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself

ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die

You Might Also Like

@nyquills

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

@nadiabulkin

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

@lecalabara

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

@maebemarbles

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

@realHamOnWry

*unexpected snow fall*

Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”

Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket”

@dugglebutt

*Calling Chinese Restaurant*

CR: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, I just ordered $40 of food for delivery?”

CR: “Yes, is there something wrong with your order?”

Me: “Well, no, but you gave me two sets of chopsticks for some reason…”

@DannyZuker

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

@climaxximus

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it