GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
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my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.