Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ericsshadow

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

@TheWeirdWorld

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

@InternetHippo

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

@Scdavis24

Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.

@Buffalojilll

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

@Schmoodles

Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’

Live & learn, guys.

@macchiatonumb

They say women only use 10% of their anger

@TheAlexNevil

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

@walruslifestyle

bill nye is short for william new years eve