It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Me: oh no
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’
Live & learn, guys.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
bill nye is short for william new years eve