Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
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I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72