@canadasandra
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
@SmiggieBalls2
*grandpa in hospice*
“son your generation relies on technology too much”
“no gramps”
*pulls the plug*
“yours does.”
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
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@canadasandra
@portmanteauface
Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think Iโm finally ready to get rid of cable TV
@Darlainky
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
@corinnemlwsw
My coat is so covered with dog fur that someone’s probably going to throw red paint on me at some point today.
@Fickle_Filly
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
@sofarrsogud
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
@VerbsRProudest
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
@Tmoney68
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
@GingerHotDish
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
@_youhadonejob1
What happens when you park like a douchbag.
