@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ...when did we get a shed?

@Mechaniz10: She yelled another guy's name in bed then we looked at each other. Then she finally yelled April Fool's! Then we laughed & laughed. She's such a kidder..

@Monathais: Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo...I can't believe it's working!

@ObscureGent: The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

@LipstickSpice: I'm getting married! Well, I have a new boyfriend! Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night! FINE. Shoe salesman said "Come back soon".