@SmiggieBalls2

*grandpa in hospice*
“son your generation relies on technology too much”
“no gramps”
*pulls the plug*
“yours does.”
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

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@ScorpionDong

What do we want?

-SHITTY MUSIC COMPILATIONS!

When do we want them?

-NOW! THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC

@_Bluntsage

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

@KenJennings

Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?

@supermarkusa

Jehovah Witnesses are excited because now they Know y’all are gonna be home when they come knocking on the door.

@Go2Slp

4: can we name the baby Yoko?

Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name

4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko?

Me: …

4: …

Me: yes

@sip_at_home_mom

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

@AnOrangeSNES

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

@Darlainky

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.