[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
Th: But that’s your a-
*grandpa in hospice*
“son your generation relies on technology too much”
*pulls the plug*
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Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My coat is so covered with dog fur that someone’s probably going to throw red paint on me at some point today.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
What happens when you park like a douchbag.