The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
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Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?