@SmiggieBalls2

*grandpa in hospice*
“son your generation relies on technology too much”
“no gramps”
*pulls the plug*
“yours does.”
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

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@canadasandra

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

@portmanteauface

Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think Iโ€™m finally ready to get rid of cable TV

@Darlainky

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

@corinnemlwsw

My coat is so covered with dog fur that someone’s probably going to throw red paint on me at some point today.

@sofarrsogud

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

@VerbsRProudest

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

@Tmoney68

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

@GingerHotDish

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.