Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
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Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent