[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
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Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]