For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
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WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
What’s so funny?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Room with a view.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?